You cheated, Lake Ontario!
by Sniffles 55
Summary: Fun-filled story of Oranges, Rafts, Canada, Disney movies, 80's songs, and as always, Pranks... Complete.
1. I like Jigsaws, don't you?

There was a commotion in the Great Hall that morning as Sirius darted from table to table stealing oranges from innocent first years. Finally, his shirt bulging, he settled by the entrance and waited.  
  
"What is he doing?" Remus asked James, who shook his head sadly.  
  
"You really don't want to know..."  
  
After a few moments, a large group of Slytherins entered and, with a gleeful shout, Sirius unleashed the oranges right in front of a walking Snape. The Slytherins halted their passage, allowing the oranges to roll away before they continued on the way to their table. Snape, however, remained behind with Sirius, a bemused and sardonic expression on his face.  
  
"And what, precisely, was that supposed to accomplish?" he asked, with a sneer.  
  
Sirius looked crestfallen for a moment before mentally regrouping and shoving Snape to the ground. "That!" he snarled, looking suspiciously doglike.  
  
"Well, it was a good plan, Padfoot," James offered when Sirius sat down again at the table, "just a little...erm..."  
  
"Dumb?" Remus asked helpfully.  
  
"I thought it was brilliant!" Peter chimed in.  
  
"So, anyway," Remus said, "What are you lot doing the first few weeks of summer vacation?"  
  
"Not much, probably pestering Mum and playing Quidditch." James replied, leaning back to throw a grape at Lily Evans, who glared at him and whispered something to a large boy at her side.  
  
"Oh, I think I might take up woodworking," Peter said, "My Dad has passion for these things, and I think we might bond over it, you know?"  
  
The others were silent for a moment before Sirius broke the awkward silence with "I think my Mum is planning on teaching me Icelandic over break."  
  
"Well," Remus began, "My Mum and Dad are taking me to Canada for two weeks, and they said I could bring you along, if you want to come."  
  
"You want us to go where?" Sirius asked, shaking his head in apparent confusion.  
  
"Canada," Remus said simply, sipping his tea.  
  
"And where, precisely, is that?" Sirius asked, looking perplexed.  
  
James sighed in exasperation and threw his napkin at Sirius. "Padfoot!" he said, "don't be a moron! It's in America, above the United States, and below...um...Mexico?"  
  
"I think Mexico is in South America," Peter volunteered.  
  
"Under the United States," Remus mumbled, though no one paid any attention, as usual.  
  
"No, idiot, you're thinking of Africa, and I'm pretty sure Mexico is not in Africa...unless it is..." Sirius trailed off thoughtfully.  
  
"Anyway!" Remus shouted, "Can you come or not?"  
  
"Yeah, sure," James said, "No need to get mad, Moony."  
  
"Yeah, geeze, lighten up, Remus. I think Mum will let me go, if I promise to study." Sirius said.  
  
"I really wanted to start on woodworking early, but I guess I can go. I'll have to ask Dad, though," Peter concluded.  
  
"O...k then," Remus said, standing up, "Well, I'm going to run to the library before Herbology, but I'll see you in a few minutes, ok?" He hurried away wondering why in God's name he invited these idiots all the way to Canada, when they came close to killing themselves at Hogwarts on a daily basis.  
  
They're turning me loony, he thought darkly as he entered the library.  
  
A/N: This is a humorous story, a bit of a parody, and there will be some things in the story like Disney movies, 80s songs, and other things that don't fit the timeline AT ALL. We are aware of the conflict in time, and it is meant to be funny, so it you flame, don't do it for that. Thanks bunches honey!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or Canada, but if we did, that would be awesome. Both authors of this story own oranges, though. What now, biotches?  
  
From Belle and Katherine 


	2. We like girls

The train from Hogwarts was almost to King's Cross Station, and James was looking very perturbed. He had been in a bad mood ever since they had left the school, and Sirius seemed to have had about enough.  
  
"Look, James, what is with you? Are you still mad because of what I said about your mom, because I was just joking, ok?"  
  
"No, it's not that. I'm just so frustrated...why can't Lily just talk to me? Do I have leprosy or something?"  
  
"I think it's just acne." Peter volunteered.  
  
"Shut up," James retorted, and the group sank back into gloomy silence for a few moments, until James leapt up impatiently and cried, "I'm going to do something I've been wanting to do for a long time!".  
  
Sirius and Peter looked mildly interested as they followed James into the next compartment, but Remus just silently shook his head. There sat Lily Evans and a large harem of her friends, chatting innocently when James burst in.  
  
James dropped to one knee in front of Lily, and solemnly requested, "Lily Evans, most beautiful and wonderful, will you do me the honor of being my wife?"  
  
Lily was silent for a moment before answering, "Well, I would, but, you see, your last name begins with a P."  
  
"Um...and?"  
  
"Well, you see, I already have all my things monogrammed," and she pointed to the "LE" embroidered into her pink sweater.  
  
"Oh, yes, I see," James said, downcast, "Ok, then, I understand. Wait, if you won't be my wife, will you at least be my mistress?"  
  
"Um, James, I think we better leave before you get hurt," Remus cut in, steering James back into their compartment.  
  
"Well," Sirius said brightly, "That went well. There's always next week, though, Prongs."  
  
"Yeah, maybe I'll have some "LJ" stuff printed up by then..."  
  
"So," Remus cut in, "we're scheduled to get back into London in about fifteen minutes, and my parents are picking us up. We're flooing over to the Wizard Embassy in Toronto this evening, so don't unpack at my house or anything."  
  
"I need to unpack a few things, though," Sirius said.  
  
"What?" Remus asked, exasperated.  
  
"Well, Karl, for one thing. He's been in that bag all morning. He needs to breathe."  
  
"Padfoot, I'm sure your rubber ducky will be alright for one afternoon, please. Work with me here!"  
  
"Moony, you're such a bitch sometimes."  
  
A/N: How long can we drag it out before we actually get to Canada? Probably for awhile. But we'll try to spare you. Ummm we saw monogrammed stuff at Dillard's the other day and were inspired. What a dumb trend. Pshhhhhhhhhhhhh. 


	3. Steak

"Great, this is just great," Remus muttered to himself, watching Sirius dunk his head under the ice machine. As the ice fell, Sirius' head was pummeled.  
  
"Moony, this is great! I love muggle hotels!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"Padfoot, you idiot, don't say muggle!" James yelled, annoyed.  
  
"Mum," Remus pleaded, "Please, can we just go to a Wizard Hotel? I don't think Sirius and James can handle this!"  
  
"Nonsense," said Mrs. Lupin, "You know your father gets nervous in those. Besides, I think your friends will enjoy a muggle experience. Sirius seems to be having a good time," she concluded, gesturing to Sirius, who was chewing on the room key, a look of pleasure on his face.  
  
"Why do wizard hotels make your dad nervous?" Peter asked.  
  
"I'm sure it's some psychological thing. You know, he is a muggle and all."  
  
"I saw this lovely steakhouse down the street on the way here," Mrs. Lupin said as they entered their adjoined rooms, "Do you boys want to go there for dinner with Max and me?"  
  
"I'm not really that hungry," James said, looking at the other boys.  
  
"Me neither," Peter agreed eagerly.  
  
Sirius looked disgusted, and began to sing to Remus, "You can eat if you want to, you can leave your friends behind, because your friends don't eat, and if they don't eat, well they're no friend of mine!"  
  
"I'll be sure not to acquire anorexia," Remus said demurely, as the rest simply stared at Sirius for a few moments. Mr. Lupin applauded.  
  
"So I guess we're going?" Remus asked Sirius.  
  
"Damn straight."  
  
A/N: Yes, we know there is such thing as a canon timeline. Bugger off. OOC, anyone? R&R, thanks 


	4. Your Mom

Remus was discouraged as they opened the door to their cabin for the first time. It wasn't the cabin itself, so much, as the surroundings that made him feel so. Encircling the cabin was a mass of trees, animals, and other wildlife- in short, many, many opportunities for Sirius and James to do something stupid. And probably Peter, as well.  
  
"This looks wonderful!" Mrs. Lupin exclaimed, looking around with glee, "and right by the lake! You boys get on your swimming trunks so you can go out and test that water."  
  
Sirius grinned and bolted to the bathroom, swimming trunks in hand. James took his into a bedroom with him.  
  
"Wait, we were supposed to bring swimming trunks?" Peter asked.  
  
"Peter, we're at a lake." Remus said, losing faith in humanity.  
  
Peter looked at him blankly.  
  
"Oh, not to worry, Peter," Mr. Lupin said, "I've brought an extra pair, and I think they'll fit you pretty well." He rummaged around in his trunk for a few moments before producing a bright green Speedo. Peter stared for a moment before smiling with pleasure.  
  
"That's what my Dad wears when he's woodworking!" Peter said, grabbing the Speedo and hurrying off to the bedroom that James was vacating.  
  
"Oh, little, Remmy Wemmy Boo Boo!" Mrs. Lupin cooed, seeing her son still clad in his clothes, "Let me help you!" And to Remus's great consternation, she charmed his suit on for him.  
  
"Oh, Mum..." Remus said, staring at the pattern of frolicking dolphins.  
  
***  
  
"It looks really cold" Peter said, eyeing the water suspiciously.  
  
Sirius grinned at James. "Only one way to find out buddy," he said, turning to Peter.  
  
In one swift motion each boy grabbed a leg and an arm and hoisted Peter off the ground, throwing him head first into the lake.  
  
"Yep," James concluded, seeing the goosebumps on Peter's body as he flailed in the knee deep water, "Looks pretty cold."  
  
"Thanks for helping us out, Peter!!" Sirius called to the small boy, who was screaming that he couldn't swim.  
  
Remus just shook his head and waded into the water to help Peter to his feet.  
  
"Awww... he was fine, Moony!!" James yelled, wading into the water to his friends.  
  
"Yeah! What where you thinking?!" Sirius exclaimed, rushing at Remus and knocking him under the water.  
  
After he emerged, Remus was pleased to see that Sirius's victory stance was interrupted by a huge wave knocking him over.  
  
"Ha, Lake Ontario is on my side, Padfoot, what now?" He asked, grinning.  
  
"This," said James, who began punching the waves as they came near him. Peter, who thought this was very funny, forgot that it was unwise to laugh when one's nose is underwater, and spent the next few minutes in a coughing fit.  
  
Remus, too, was amused by James's antics, but Sirius looked slightly enraged. "Dude," he said seriously, "Don't do that. Lake Ontario is my dad!"  
  
James laughed, Remus rolled his eyes, and Peter looked interested, "Wow Sirius, I didn't know that. Dad never mentioned that could happen...We usually talk about this kind of thing during woodworking."  
  
The other Marauders looked at Peter blankly, before Sirius couldn't take the silence and opened his arms to an oncoming wave and shouted "DADDY!!!"  
  
The wave came towards him, and instead of returning his embrace, promptly knocked him over and washed him ashore, where he lay twitching. "My daddy sometimes beats me," he said, sniffing.  
  
"That Bastard!" James cried, and began pummeling the waves with his fists, "No one beats my friend! You're going down, bitch!"  
  
"Yeah!" Remus shouted, deciding to join in. He removed his sandal and began slapping the waves with it.  
  
Peter looked confused for a moment, but soon started poking the waves with his index finger, hoping to do some damage.  
  
Sirius, still twitching, soon joined in, and there was an all out brawl punctuated by a few random yells of "Help" "Bitch" and "Yay." The latter came constantly from Peter who, growing bored with poking, had begun kissing the waves as the headed toward him.  
  
The others, however, were still bravely fighting the waves- punching, kicking, biting- the whole nine yards. The Marauders seem to be winning for a while until a huge wave came and picked Sirius up on top of it. He could do nothing but flail and kick aimlessly as he was carried and deposited rather roughly on the shoreline.  
  
He looked crestfallen for a moment, clearly knowing that they had lost the battle, before raising his voice and yelling "You cheated Lake Ontario! Damn you!" before he lay down on the rocks and bawled like a baby.  
  
Great Remus thought, and I thought we could finally stop going to support groups.  
  
A/N: Sooooo...hey, this chapter is very realistic. I fight with large bodies of water quite often. I like the letters O and C. 


	5. Stop waving your arms at me!

Wow, welcome to first year, everyone, Remus thought as he watched Sirius playing with his chicken strips across the table. He had eaten the first 25, but seemed unwilling to finish the last.  
  
"Hey, Peter!" he called, "Want a chicken stripper? Oh, I mean a chicken strip."  
  
James snorted with laughter. "What the hell is a chicken stripper?"  
  
"This!" Sirius yelled, then started humming and making the chicken strip dance across the table. He held up a straw and made the chicken strip dance around it like a pole.  
  
"Erotic poultry dancing?" Mr. Lupin asked, "That reminds me of college."  
  
"Max..." Mrs. Lupin said warningly, but the boys had already bolted from the table.  
  
Later that night there was a commotion from the den of the cabin, as Mrs. Lupin had rented movies for the VCR, and James and Sirius were "cinematic virgins", as they kept referring to themselves.  
  
"What movies did you get?" Remus asked as Mrs. Lupin entered with a plastic sack.  
  
"Oh, all the classics...The Little Mermaid...The Hunchback of Notre Dame...Beauty and the Beast..." she trailed off, her eyes getting misty.  
  
James reached in the bad and randomly pulled one out.  
  
"I get to be John Smith!" Sirius called jauntily.  
  
"Um, well, you can, Sirius, but we're watching The Lion King..." Remus said.  
  
"Quasimodo?" Peter asked.  
  
"I'm Simba!" James called, puffing out his chest, "Remus, you can be Nala!"  
  
Wait, Remus thought, is he hitting on me? The next week is really going to be awkward.  
  
A/N: No, they did not have those movies in the '70s. Good call, geniuses. Plus, this isn't a romance story, so don't worry about the slash implication. We love you. 


	6. I hate jumbo jumpin' push pops

"Sirius, it's five AM. What do you want?" Remus asked, his vision blurry as he glanced at his alarm clock.  
  
"He thinks he has SARS," Peter put in.  
  
James knocked him on the head. "That isn't funny! There are roughly twelve SARS-related deaths every day in Canada, and many more in Asia! Think before you speak, mortal!"  
  
Vaguely sure that James made up his statistics, Remus decided to move on. "Ok, but so anyway, what are you guys doing?"  
  
"Well," Sirius began, "I was out on the beach...uh...looking at the...uh...stars..."  
  
"The stars? Do you even know what a star is?" James asked derisively.  
  
Sirius started flexing his muscles threateningly at James, trying to conceal his trembling lower lip.  
  
"Go on, Sirius," Remus said soothingly, stroking Sirius's arm.  
  
"Fag," Sirius muttered, "But anyway, these foam beach rafts washed ashore. Let's go play with them!"  
  
"Yay!" interjected Peter.  
  
"You woke me up at five in the morning to play with rafts?" Remus asked, "And you called me a fag?"  
  
"Um, yeah, and you are a fag, homo."  
  
"Uh, why don't you guys go on without me?" Remus asked, laying back down.  
  
"Fag," Sirius muttered again before the three boys walked out.  
  
Remus had almost fallen asleep when loud, high-pitched screams broke his peaceful rest. Remus was confused; how had they managed to hurt themselves with foam rafts? He was almost to the door when his parents burst out of their room.  
  
"What's all this, then?" Mr. Lupin asked, trying to conceal his New Kids on the Block boxers.  
  
Mrs. Lupin moved to the window. "Oh, the other boys are out playing! Good, I was worried those agonized screams were screams of pain. They must just be having a good time! That's cute."  
  
"Um, Mum, I don't think they're having a good time..." Remus said as he looked out to see Sirius flailing wildly on the rocks, as James yelled "Bloody Murder!" and Peter was being dragged further out to sea.  
  
"Be quiet, of course they are," Mrs. Lupin said dismissively, heading back to her room, husband in tow.  
  
Yeah, Remus thought, And all that red stuff is "fun juice".  
  
A/N: New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick. Anyway, we don't have anything new or original to say. Bang. 


	7. wear sunscreen unless you are a communis...

"Come on, boys, it should be right...up...here..." Mrs. Lupin trailed off the deserted cove came into view.  
  
"I don't see anything," Peter said, but James punched him in the stomach.  
  
"Shut it, Wormtail. It's right there, see?" He pointed to the air in front of him, winking ostentatiously at the others.  
  
"I can't believe it!" Mrs. Lupin said, "They moved the lighthouse!"  
  
"Mum," Remus said soothingly, "I don't think they moved the lighthouse. Maybe it's on the other side of the bay..."  
  
"Shhh, we don't have time for your logic and coherent thoughts right now, Moony." Sirius said, shoving Remus into a small cave in the rocks.  
  
"Well, come on then. We'll look some more," Mrs. Lupin sighed as they trudged away.  
  
"Hey!" Remus called, but no one paid much attention. Having fallen on his leg wrong, he was finding it temporarily difficult to move it. He didn't mind that he was stuck in a cave, wounded, but there was the problem of surviving to deal with.  
  
"Hey!" he called again.  
  
Crickets chirped in the background.  
  
Damn it, he thought, this figures.  
  
"I'm bored," Peter whined, dipping his feet into the water.  
  
"Yeah, me too," James agreed, "Hey, where's Moony?"  
  
"Huh, I don't know," Sirius said, "You know, I thought there was a distinct lack of estrogen around here..."  
  
"He left us before we found the lighthouse. Do you think he got depressed when we found it? I mean, his Mum seemed pretty upset that it had a Starbucks in it and all. Maybe it runs in the family," James volunteered.  
  
"Damn coffee-haters," Sirius murmured under his breath.  
  
There was a rustle in the bushes beside them, and Remus crawled into the clearing. He was quite dirty, and had several twigs sticking out of is hair.  
  
"Oh, hey, Remus! What are you up to?" James asked.  
  
Remus was silent a moment before letting out a low growl. "Full moon tonight," he whispered.  
  
"Oh Moony," Sirius said, "You're such a drama queen sometimes."  
  
Oh yeah? thought Remus, then why didn't I get cast in Cats?  
  
A/N: Tell me what to say and I will say it to you. Capture the flag? 


	8. Neewollah

"You know, Moony, that was a pretty good vacation." James said as he slung his last suitcase onto his shoulder.  
  
"Yeah," Peter agreed, "I mean, it wasn't woodworking or anything, but it was pretty fun."  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes as he shut the cabin door behind them for the last time. "What are you talking about, Wormtail? You got beaten by waves, stung by hornets, and you got poison oak twice. You suck."  
  
"Actually, the itching was a pleasant sensation..."  
  
"Come on kids, the international floo network closes in half an hour...and I tend to get lost," Mr. Lupin admitted, hanging his head a bit.  
  
"Oh, Max, we'll be fine," Mrs. Lupin said reassuringly.  
  
"You know," Sirius said later, as they approached the Wizarding Embassy, "I think I've got a plan."  
  
"God save us all," Remus muttered.  
  
"Next year, instead of hurling oranges at the Slytherins when they come to breakfast, I'm gonna try lemons!"  
  
"How will that make a difference?" Remus asked.  
  
Sirius shot him a dirty look, and he was silenced.  
  
"Guys, I almost forgot to tell you!" James suddenly squealed, "My Mum and I are going to Boston in a week, and you guys get to come!"  
  
No! Remus thought, The world will never again be righted.  
  
A/N: Oh, it has been so wonderful! All good things, however, must come to an end, and we didn't want to wear out our welcome. So adieu, mon gateaus! 


End file.
